Invest Now: Sacramento Kings Bandwagon

Hop on the NBA's hottest bandwagon: The Sacramento Kings.

What if I told you that you could invest in one of the future’s most promising commodities for one of the market’s lowest prices? A budding commodity with potential for exponential growth that you can have for dirt cheap, right now?

I’m Anthony Cardenas, longtime shotgun season ticket holder and official spokesperson for the Sacramento Kings Bandwagon. I am here today to invite you to join our team for the start of the 2018-2019 NBA season, as there is a wealth of good seats still available at some of the leagues most economical rates. Because of our dirt cheap prices and the current state of our product, a solid return on your investment is almost a guarantee. Almost. 

Having stock in the Sacramento Kings Bandwagon (KBW) has been one of the worst fandom financial decisions of the past 15 years. A flurry of on-court success in the late 90’s and early 00’s drove prices up, as success-starved Northern California basketball fans invested in KBW seemingly overnight.

Financiers enjoyed a few years of success, and the Kings became one of the hottest commodities on the market. Unfortunately, tough times came and went, almost as quickly as their success. The Kings steadily returned back to mediocrity and investors in KBW began to disappear. Once-proud stockholders threw their Jason Williams and Peja Stojakovic jerseys in a pile in a dark corner of their closets, and rightfully so.

The Kings had not only returned to mediocrity, but became the laughing stock of the league. Prices of KBW plummeted, and many investors were able to get out before things hit rock bottom. Money was lost by everyone. 

A few of us held on to our shares, though.

We have held out hope this entire time, and it hasn’t been easy. Most of us have seen a 90%+ decrease in value of our original investments, while watching bandwagons of other teams fill up and fluctuate the market. KBW prices were among the league’s lowest for years, and finally bottomed out in February 2017 when DeMarcus Cousins was traded. What was worth $50 in 2003 can now be had for $4. 

But don’t let any of that deter you! Investing in the Kings Bandwagon will be the best decision you make in 2018!

Here are a few reasons why:

Cool Players and Their Cool Names

Our roster is just cool and interesting. We have guys named Nemanja Bjelica, Bogdan Bogdanovic, Kosta Koufos, and Skal Labissiere. One guy is named Yogi, another is named Bruno, and we have a Buddy. There’s an Iman and a JaKarr. We have Harry Giles and Marvin Bagley who we are calling the Wet Bandits after the Home Alone villains. A bunch of our players are freakishly athletic too, especially the big guys. Skal, Willie Cauley-Stien, and Bruno Caboclo will impress you physically, and it is a real treat watching them try to use that athleticism to attempt to put the basketball in the hoop. 

Innovative owner

Our owner, Vivek Ranadive, is the best and most innovative owner in the league. He has brilliant ideas like playing 4 on 5 on the defensive end, in order to have a cherry-picker for easy baskets. He made the terrifyingly accurate description of Nik Stauskas: Shoots like Steph, big like Klay. There are reports that he thought he could acquire Russell Westbrook to team up with DeMarcus Cousins and Rudy Gay to make a new big three in Sacramento (when Sacramento had zero assets to give in return).

Move over Mark Cuban. 

New Arena

If you are a previous owner of KBW stock, you might remember attending Kings games at Arco Arena. It was out in the middle of nowhere and had been old and outdated since the turn of the millennium. In 2016, the Kings ditched their old digs for a brand new arena in downtown Sacramento.

Golden 1 Center is completely state of the art. Its video board is the largest in the NBA at 84 feet long. The building utilizes regionally sourced materials and has a rooftop solar array which generates 1.2 megawatts, augmented by an 11-megawatt solar field. It also houses fully redundant transport facilities and two 100-gigabit ethernet dedicated internet circuits. 

If that doesn’t make you want to support this basketball team, I don’t know what will. 

Vlade Divac

Our general manager is a former player and one of the goofiest characters in the league. He says some of the dumbest things you’ll ever hear a person in a leadership role say, not including Donald Trump. 

“Super team, just young”

“I had a better deal two days ago” 

In every interview and press conference, Vlade looks like he woke up on the couch in his office ten minutes prior. His hair is usually greasy and something about him screams “I smell like bong water and Marlboro reds.” It’s great. 

To add to the entertainment, he is completely unpredictable as a GM. He might make a great move that nets you a solid starter, and he might draft a great point guard with high upside. He might also make one of the worst trades of all time, or use a lottery pick to draft a European prospect who is so impressive that he is out of the NBA two years later.  

These things are just the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. There are also the added benefits that you’ll notice in your personal life. Watching a group of grown men struggle to accomplish a common goal on an almost-nightly basis will remind you that things could be worse and can improve personal moral.

Purple and black is an interesting fashion combination and the possibilities are plentiful. You also won’t have to root for the Warriors anymore! Imagine feeling guilt-free as you put your jersey on to support your team, instead of wondering how much of your soul you forked over when you purchased your Kevin Durant jersey in March of 2017. You’ll no longer have to pay $150 per ticket to watch a basketball game from the nosebleed seats of a stadium that would look outdated in Rome. Finally and most importantly, you can invest in the team of the future. Being a Warriors fan is SO 2017. 

Are you convinced? Do we have a deal? I’m sure you’re wondering what you have to do to sign up. It's very simple. Aside from your monetary purchase of the actual shares, all you’ll have to do are the following things:

1. Never acknowledge R*bert H*rry, T*m D*ughnahy or the year 2002 in general

2. Have at least some hope that De’Aaron Fox, Harry Giles or Marvin Bagley will become a star 

3. Be loyal

We'll see you in October.

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