The Hater's Guide to the NBA Finals

Can't both teams just lose? No?

New England sports fans have a reputation of being rabid, bitter, and sometimes downright hateful. And that’s the nicest thing you’ve been called today. If you’re like me, and you’re a hater, you don’t want either of these teams to win the Finals. But, if you need to hop on one side’s bandwagon to ease the pain a little bit, here’s some help on deciding between the lesser of two evils:

Hating The Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron James:

This guy made our life hell in his Miami days, and single-handedly crushed our dreams in the 2012 Eastern Conference Finals, en route to his first NBA Championship. Then, he won it back to back thanks to a Ray Allen three pointer in the 2013 Finals. Also, he held a one hour special to tell everybody he was changing teams. What a loser.

J.R. Smith:

Here’s J.R Smith elbowing Jason Terry in the face in 2013:


Here’s J.R. Smith punching Jae Crowder in the face 2015:

Kevin Love:

Broke the trend of talented Minnesota players being traded to Boston (See: David Ortiz, Randy Moss, Kevin Garnett). I see how it is, Kevin.

Matthew Dellavedova:

You never have to dig up dirt on Dellavedova when you can watch last night's highlights:


Dellavedova reminds us of that one guy in pick up games who plays full court defense with is hand pressed against your chest. The guy who flops in a game with no referees. The Australian Draymond Green.

Tristan Thompson:

Because we’ve all had a co-worker who gets paid twice as much to be half as productive.

Hating the Golden State Warriors

Anderson Varejao:

Reminds us too much of the presidential race. He flops more than a fish out of water, but is going to win a ring regardless.

Klay Thompson:

His resemblance to Squidward’s house constantly reminds you that Spongebob isn’t the show it used to be. He also shows about as much emotion as Squidward’s house when he hits a shot he had no business hitting.

Source: google images

Draymond Green:

A well tempered, hard working, all around great player and role model. We just wish we had a guy like him.

Stephen Curry:

This year, he became the league’s first unanimous MVP even though he plays in the same league as LeBron James, Kevin Durant, and Russell Westbrook. He inspires kids across the country to develop a nightmare shot selection and rappers to make terrible music about him. The Celtics could play the Lakers on national TV and all we would hear about is what Steph ate for breakfast. 

Draymond Green actually:

There are athletic cup companies lining up to get a jersey ad next season because of Draymond.* Draymond Green has as many groin kicks in this year’s playoffs as a typical episode of Jackass. He’s delivered more roundhouse kicks than a Walker, Texas Ranger marathon. People hate him so much, they would rather see a team from Cleveland win a championship at his expense.
Here’s his tryout tape for the Oakland Raiders:

*not really

My Decision

I will be taking my bandwagoning talents to Cleveland. LeBron’s legacy is already set in stone, but it’s not too late for these Warriors to become a one-and-done. After this year, we could see Harrison Barnes and Festus Ezeli to accept ludicrous amounts of money to play elsewhere while Livingston, Bogut, and Iguodala all age one more year past 30 thus marking the beginning of the end of the Warrior’s unprecedented dominance.

Enjoy the Finals. I’ll be watching them in my Jae Crowder jersey.

Like what you've read? Share it with your friends on